Humoresque
by azure orbis
Summary: A collection of humorous and sometimes revealing stories poking fun at some of Konoha's favorite shinobis. No one is safe! Second: Destiny's Child, Hyuuga Neji.
1. Blue Boy

Humoresque  
By Azure Orbis

Disclaimer: Do I really look like I earned a couple million for the creation of this awesome manga/anime series? I would love to though. )

A/N: Okay, happy April Fool's Day- it seems like a fitting day to post the start of a series of humorous drabbles about certain favorite characters. The original title of this chapter was called "Poking fun at Sasuke" and I think that sums it up pretty well. I like the character of Sasuke too, but the way some fanfiction authors write him…wow! I would love to do the things he can do, but he's human too and only 12! Let's not forget that little fact. I've planned stories concerning: a Lee one, Asuma/ Kakashi one, one with Neji, and maybe even Tsunade just because no one really focuses on her.

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Chapter One: Blue Boy

The sun shone through the shutters, waking the sleeping form of a boy with dark hair. The boy turned onto his other side and let his thoughts wander a while. His hair used to be a lovely shade of pure black and a lustrous shade of black it was. That is until a prank gone wrong and the blue dye that was supposed to stain his hair temporary somehow turned out to be permanent. Not only was his gorgeous hair dyed a permanent sea-blue, his face was also stained with that annoying color. His mother had tried in vain to wash the vexing pigments away, but in the end she was left with her youngest son with a mop of blue hair and a scowling face that still had visible traces of dye. It did not help the household harmony that she tried so hard to maintain, when her eldest son and her husband snickered at the blue-haired boy every time he tried to walk pass them inconspicuously. Sometimes, a family barbeque could go so wrong.

Sufficient to say, little Sasuke did not dare to show his little blue face to the world, his classmates or his friends, for the one time he did show his face to a close family friend, the man burst out laughing so hard that he knocked over the table and the tea that was residing so peacefully on that table. Little Sasuke's blue face turned red, which gave him a very interesting shade of purplish hue, before his father and his brother completely forgot their stoic manners and started laughing outright at this new color.

Sasuke fled to his room and shut the door, refusing to come out days later even after his mother tried tempting him with his favorite dish and made her husband and eldest son apologize formally. In truth the smell of the food was delicious and seeing his father's and his brother's bowing shadows before his door did make little Sasuke feel better, but he would not be lured out so easily! He left his room only with the promises that no visitors were allowed to see his face in this disgraceful state, his father purchase the most expensive and renown face wash known to mankind and all who saw and/or knew of Sasuke's predicament were to remain silent under pain of death.

Now the truly strange thing is that while most of that horrendous dye eventually washed out of Sasuke's hair and all of his face, (he made his mother check twice before even thinking about venturing out into the world again) there was still a small amount of dye left in his hair. Sasuke begged his father to allow him to stay home and let his hair grow long enough to cut off the blue parts or to let it wash out, whichever way was quicker. But his father was adamant. Sasuke had already missed out more than a month's worth of classes and to let his hair grow out would take several months more, more time than he would allow his second heir to be out of school except for illness or a legitimate family vacation. And so little Sasuke, pouting at his mother and scowling fiercely at his father, was sent back to school with most noticeable highlights in his hair. He hoped that his classmates would not notice and ask him about his newly acquired "accentuations to his hair," as his brother liked to call them. The poor boy was asking for too much.

Already by the age of six, Sasuke was a popular boy, although he wasn't quite sure why. The thought of girls liking him was revolting but sometimes their praises were very comforting and helped boost his self esteem to the point where he truly believed that he would someday surpass his genius brother. And over time, he came to believe he deserved the overwhelming praises because he did work hard (sometimes) and he was the top in the class. In short, Uchiha Sasuke lived a charmed life and for the life of him, he was actually scared that he would lose some of that legendary charm the day he walked back into class with those hateful blue things.

To his surprise, the blue highlights made him more popular than ever. He would never quite understand why the girls, including the ones who ignored him in the past, fawned over him with sudden intensity. But could he really say it was a bad thing? Suddenly he hoped beyond hope that the stubborn blue dye would stay in his hair forever. Perhaps the color was starting to grow on him, but whatever it was, he was starting to like it and hoped it would never disappear.

Imagine his panic when he was washing his hair one day and suddenly the water turned blue. The blue highlights had stayed in his hair for a lengthy duration and now the dye was finally starting to wash off. Sasuke hollered for his mother to see if the color was really coming out or if it was just his imagination. With a smiling face, she confirmed that the dreadful color was finally coming out and soon Sasuke would have his gleaming black hair again. Instead she was met with a most dolorous face on her son. She could not understand why he was so depressed at the news. She thought he would have been overjoyed. Little Sasuke told mommy everything.

After some clever blackmailing, Sasuke's mother was able to obtain the secrets of the blue dye and the next day, she helped apply some of the horrendous-turned-wonderful dye onto Sasuke's hair. Since then and after the Uchiha massacre, every few months or so, Sasuke took a couple personal days off. No one quite knew what he did with those days alone and no one dared to ask the boy, for his icy demeanor spoke unspeakable punishments to anyone foolish enough to do so.

Some thought that those were the days that he choose to remember his family and burned incense for them while praying for them and asking for strength to avenge their deaths. In actuality, Sasuke usually stole out of the village in the guise of a purple haired youth to a neighboring village that was close enough to journey to in a day but also far enough so that he could not be recognized. There, he went to the same barber shop he had gone to since he was one of the sole survivors to have those specialized streaks added to his hair. After he came home, he would go through the whole remembering the dead ritual, but in his heart of hearts, he knew his personal days were mostly about his hair. That did not mean he did not hate Itachi with every fiber of his being, or that he did not mourn his family's passing. It was just he had appearances he had to keep up, literally.

When he didn't have the time, he would do the touchups himself, using the stock he kept at home for that very purpose. But he usually went to that barber because he did such a fine job. Sometimes while he was washing his hair and the horrid stuff got all over his hands and under his fingernails, Sasuke would curse the dye and the day he decided to keep the highlights. It was such a hassle to keep up the pretense that he had such strange and evidently glorious highlights in his hair. Sometimes, he almost let his hair revert back to its normal (but no less beautiful he assured himself) black state. However, he remembered the adoring fans and kept on with the farce. After all, it would not be nice to disillusion them after all this time.

Sasuke sat up, rubbing his eyes. He got up and stretched. Strange, the things he would think about while still half asleep. In truth he was not a morning person, but he did like giving off that impression. Rumor had it that Uchiha Sasuke did not wander between the realms of sleep and consciousness like any of us mere mortals. No, he was either fully asleep or fully awake; nothing in between. There was never a sleepy look in Sasuke's eyes for he always had to look foreboding and dark, to please himself and to keep up his image. If only it was true.

Sasuke swallowed the pill with a gulp of water and set the glass down; the same one he had at his nightstand ever since he heard that rumor and decided it suited him and would work to his advantage by helping advance his image of a brooding and tortured but handsome, young man. He shook himself to get his blood moving again, but not enough to cause unsightly color to stain his cheeks. Again, just another part of his routine. There was not a chance he would let something like that ruin his pale skin, which he prized so much, especially after having perfected his routine years ago. The caffeine entered his blood stream and after dressing, he looked at himself in the mirror. Perfection, he thought, before setting out to meet his less-than-perfect teammates and teacher. It was obvious he was the star of the show, if there was any.

The moment he stepped out of the Uchiha estate, Sasuke knew he forgot something vitally important as he was mobbed by his die-hard league of fangirls. He forgot to leave through his new secret passage way that he had newly dug over the weekend! These fangirls were peskier than the cockroaches that he occasionally came by. After completing his first tunnel, he thought he was safe and was he? No, of course not and perhaps it was because of those darned highlights that they caught him or maybe they found some of his hair and thus followed it and found his secret tunnel. With amazing dogged determination, Sasuke dug new tunnels and his fangirls found them all. For a few days, there was peace, but that didn't last long especially with Sakura as the self-proclaimed captain of this abominable league. Finally disappearing from the mob that thought he was still under the pile of girls, he head off to meet his team at their bridge while dabbing a few puffs of foundation makeup on the bruises on his face. He wouldn't want anyone to see him looking anything other than perfect, did he? He brushed a strand of blue-black hair from his face and hurried on; it was time for young Sasuke to shine.

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A/N: Me thinks Sasuke is too angsty of a character and he needs to loosen up a little. Out of curiosity, did any of this make you laugh? That's my goal for this project and how did you think it was written? Poor? Mediocre? Well? Criticize as you will!. 


	2. Sick Karma

Humoresque

By Azure Orbis

Chapter Two: Sick Karma

A/N: I typed this when I was sick and I wanted someone else to suffer the great fun of being sick too. (Evil laughter)

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It all started on a day that seemed like the day before, peaceful and normal, but there was something in the wind that day that made his throat itch. The warmth of summer had faded, leaving the cool, ancient caress of autumn behind and his throat itched, terribly.

He cleared his throat, hoping to dislodge the offending sensation while he walked down the dirt path to his training spot with all the dignity that was expected of him. It was a lovely day, not too hot and not too cold; just breezy enough to make him walk faster to warm himself up. The cooler air only served as an incentive for him to train harder, to keep himself warm and to keep his skills honed. And yet the itch persisted, wriggling its way up his throat in a way that made him almost want to squirm and he was not the kind of person to be caught squirming, at least not in public.

He was nearing the secluded training grounds, desperate to be hidden away from the sight of others while this horrible itch clawed at his throat, growing stronger and stronger while he tried to squash it. Was he, this genius, to be defeated by a lowly discomfort? Absolutely out of the question! Only a few more hundred yards and he could relieve himself away from the prying eyes. He broke out into a run. So close, must get there soon!

His clenched jaw and more than usual sour face drew the unwanted attention of the seemingly numerous bystanders. He turned to glare at a choice few. What were they looking at? It was as if they never seen someone trying to look dignified while all they wanted to do was run. And why were there so many people out meandering around this time of day? Didn't they anything better to do than gawk and stare like children!

He started wheezing. Wheezing! His mind reprimanded him for acting like a ninety-year old man who hadn't gone out into the fall air in sixty years. Still, his lungs burned and his throat still itched with insufferable intensity that he was forced to slow down.

What was wrong with him? Could he be...it wasn't possible but he had heard about...something called being...sick?

Is that what Tenten had called it, when her nose was red and running? Why did she call it that, "running"? It was obviously still stationary, residing where it usually resided. Other than the fact that there was some unsightly liquid dripping from it constantly and it was the hue of an overripe tomato, Tenten looked as she always did. Except that she lacked energy and control over herself. Yes, her aim was simply terrible that day.

Lee had gone through similar bouts before, but instead of a reddened nose his whole face looked red and he seemed more...shiny than usual. It was probably the thin layer of water that seemed to cover his face perpetually. Lee's punches lacked the usual strength he usually delivered them with and Neji had beaten Lee in a fraction of the usual time. Lee proved to be a very poor adversary that day, and Neji went home in a huff because he didn't get a good workout and complained that the day was a complete waste because his teammates weren't even up to their usual pathetic levels to challenge him. So was it his turn now? To suffer the slings and arrows of a terrible plague known as sickness? He shivered in fear. This could not be happening, not to him. He had never been sick, so why should he be sick now?

He coughed and he kept on coughing. His throat happily supplied him with the same unbearable itch that kept him coughing. He coughed until he ran out of air. And when he managed to breathe in a few lung-fulls, he started coughing again.

He sat down hard on the edge of the training grounds; the coughing had quite taken the will and the wind out of him. The headache that had bothered him the night before returned with a vengeance. Neji moaned in frustration, what had he done to deserve such a horrendous punishment? And then his nose started dripping. At first he was in such a state of shock that he thought it was raining. He looked up. No rain and when he looked down at his hands, they were wet. What was the source of this strange water? His slowed down, but still quick-thinking mind soon informed him of the culprit: his very own nose. Neji would have cursed the heavens if his throat didn't start itching again and sent him into another coughing fit. Curses, foiled again.

At least he was alone to suffer in his misery as his eyes misted over. Great, he was officially becoming a slobbering blob of sick-infested...thing.

He decided, while he coughed and his nosed dripped that he would stay here until he felt better and then he would discreetly return to the Hyuuga compound. He would have a trusted servant sent to inform his teacher and his teammates of his absence which would be blamed on "unforeseen difficulties." Yes, that was vague enough and yet, truthful at the same time. Not a bad plot for someone whose mind was fuzzy and couldn't stop coughing for even a few minutes. He congratulated himself for his craftiness. He never had to use it before and this little scheme made him feel exhilarated and even giddy.

He stopped dead in his thought tracks. That had to be the sickness preying on his mind. Giddy? Hyuuga Neji was never giddy, no matter how devious and delicious the plan he managed to concoct in a very fuzzy state of mind.

That was the last straw, he broke out in a silly smile and rose to his feet, twirling around gleefully in a circle with his arms spread out, imitating the birds he so admired. Were he sober, he would dropped dead at the sight of himself spinning around like a child. But alas, Neji was not sober and so, all thoughts of returning home quickly and quietly, vanished. Spinning around seemed so much more interesting. The funny little bug that had caused his little cough had progressed to take over his mind. Therefore, it was not sane Neji who was dancing around in a delirious daze, but sick Neji. Still it was an interesting predicament for anyone who chanced to see the Hyuuga teenager stagger around in a gleeful manner.

"Neji, my preponderant pupil, even if there are problems at home, you still shouldn't resort to the drink."

Neji stopped immediately in his stupefied spinning where his hazy mind allowed him a moment of clarity. He recognized that voice, even if it was more seriously and softer than it had ever been before. It belonged to none other than Gai-sensei. Warning sirens started to go off in his head. How on Earth was he going to explain the strange phenomenon of him twirling? He should have snuck home while he still had the chance. He had to think of an excuse quickly.

'_But you still want to go spinning_!' The little bug that had taken over his mind insisted.

'_Not in front of Gai-sensei I don't!' _he argued.

'_But–'_

'_Fine!__Just let me get out of this jam and I'll see what I can do!'_

'_Goodie! Remember, you promised!'_

"Neji, son, remember that drinking will only lead to more pain, which can lead to more drinking and even more pain. And where do you think that all leads to? Why more drinking, of course. But as I am trying to say, it is a destructive cycle where one starts, one cannot stop. So, why start at all?" Gai asked rhetorically. Normally, Neji would have already tried to kill the man after the word "son", but strangely enough his teacher's repetitive logic made sense to him in this fog. Still this little embarrassing show was not the result of over-drinking and he intended to set the record straight.

"Gai-sensei, I'm not drunk. I was practicing Kaiten." Neji stated in his most serious voice. It would have worked too if he was not cut off with a sudden attack of vicious coughing.

"Neji," Gai began slowly, "Kaiten does not look like that. You looked more like a kid spinning around in a playground...with a smile on your face. It was a very...goofy smile. Delusional, maybe even."

"I did no such thing!" Neji argued indignantly, as if smiling was the most indecent thing he had ever heard of. "I was merely practicing an obscure and ancient form of Kaiten that you have not seen because it is a family secret. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be leaving since I have better things to do." He retorted off-handedly in his most haughty manner, hoping to throw his teacher off his earlier trail of erroneous thinking.

"Neji, son, we're going to have to have _that _talk," Gai started, sounding very seriously, more serious than he had ever been in his entire life. He neared the boy and managed to clamp his arm around the sick young man to lead him away.

Neji, in his weakened state could only stand there and look up at his green-spandex teacher before moving obediently along, his legs moving on their own accord, while a part of his mind screamed its protests and another, the infected part, laughed and laughed at the predicament that would not go away. Why, oh why didn't he leave when he had the chance? Why did he stay to frolic? To spin around like a deranged kid, according to Gai? Ah, the wonder of the unanswerable questions.

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Hours later, Neji staggered home, dressed in the same clothes that he left home in, but if those clothes could talk, what tales they would tell. Neji would never tell what happened in those five hours he spent all in the sole company of Gai. To even admit that he could stand the other's company for so long would implicate him in ways he could not even fathom. At least, the day was over and all he had to do was sneak into his room, bathe in scalding hot water and scour his skin to cleanse the day's remains off him and pretend the day never happened.

He was not confined in a room with the self-proclaimed "beautiful Green Beast of Konoha" for five torturous hours that began with Gai's patented talk about the deadly sins a shinobi could commit.

He was also not used as a human squeeze toy when his teacher reminisced about his own days of youthful stupidity and burst into tears. Of course he would clamp onto Neji for comfort. It was only natural. And that was only the first hour.

Neji shivered, it was better not to remember. Now, all he had to do was move as silently as possible without alerting anyone of the household. His nose started running again, the faucet obviously was turned on again. Unceremoniously he wiped off the clear liquid fluid off his upper lip with his long sleeve, something the stoic and proper Neji never would have done in his sane mind. The liquid oozing out of his nose seemed to be of a never-ending supply. It just kept coming out! Then, as suddenly as it started, the imaginary faucet was turned off and the liquid river became a more manageable trickle. Neji sniffed in appreciation; finally something was going his way.

"Neji, I need to talk to you." Neji froze at that voice. It was his uncle's. He turned to see his relative, who gave him an odd look at his disheveled appearance. Neji nearly cried in frustration. He was so close to his room and all would have been well! In reaction to his anger and despair at the interminably horrible day, his eyes started to tear up again. It was due to this illness, he told himself stubbornly, and had nothing to do with the terrible ordeal he just went through. Slowly the tears retreated, thanks to his iron will to not demean himself any further.

"Are you okay, Neji?" Hizashi asked with real concern. And with good reason; his normally clean-pressed nephew was a wreck. "You look like you fell down a cliff or something." Neji kept silent, willing away his uncle away. Taking his nephew's silence as an answer Hizashi continued, "Oh, well wash up, I must speak to you as soon as possible of a disturbing rumor that has reached my ear today." Hizashi turned and walked away swiftly, the clothes of his clean and annoyingly starched robe swishing behind him. Meanwhile, Neji could feel that headache coming on again. It was this throbbing pain, between his eyes and at his temples.

Neji could only stare after his uncle in stunned silence. There would be no end to this miserable day, would there? There was no relief in sight. He was so close to his room and safety and the silence that would swallow up the day's events, but no, his uncle had to catch him. It was almost enough to make him cry, but that twisted bug in his mind laughed harder than ever. A strange grin grew on his face, the thought of revenge and of future swirling sessions mixed happily in his brain.

Neji stuck his tongue out, the first sign of disrespect and rebellion he had ever committed. It was a childish and somewhat stupid act since all Hyuuga possessed all-seeing eyes, but Neji didn't care. He formulated his plan, feeling better than ever for the simple act of sticking out his tongue. First he would take that bath he needed and he would soak in it as long he wanted and waste as much of the hot water as necessary. He laughed derisively, let his uncle wait, he was not coming out of the wooden tub until he was wrinkled like one of the geezers of the main branch. Ha, take that, he smirked. And inside his head, the little bug rejoiced too, together the two of them made a fine team.

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A/N– Well, there you have it, Neji-kun suffered my wrath and lived through it! I was snickering the whole time while I wrote this. Neji is just such a stoic character and is probably one of the best to mess around with. Shino would be a great one too, but there doesn't seem to be much that bugs him...yeah, bad pun, I admit, but seriously what bugs Shino? Maybe this is the idea for a later chapter. Hehe! Hope you enjoyed this, and even laughed.

For those who don't already know or remember, kaiten is the heavenly wind spin-thing that Neji does, basically spinning around really fast while releasing a ton to chakra to deflect any projectile. Wonder how he doesn't get dizzy. Maybe he practiced some ballet…

There is a little borrowing from the great Bard himself, from _Hamlet_, paraphrasing on the Pringles® little motto, don't know who originally wrote "Curses, foiled again" and the rest belongs to me and my ailing self

Anyhow, comment and criticize please! Until next time!


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